How Long Will It Be?

I am in a daze today. The pain and hurt and disappointment are back and the rush of emotions is hitting me hard. Each night I pray to help ease the pain but why does it keep coming back to tear me apart again?
When will this ever end? When will it ever end.... :`(

Equilibrium

I have finally returned to that point of my life where everything is in good balance. Moments of solitude no longer make me reflect on the loss, and I find things to occupy my time. Mostly they are day to day mundane activities that I have to do. And to be able to return to that equilibrium is a good thing. It means that I can finally move on and live my life as usual, and look forward to building our family instead of mourning for the past that I cannot change.

Re-Lapsed

I am feeling sad tonight.

I Know They Meant Well But....

Slowly, the news of my miscarriage reached some people at work. I had to tell because there were rumours going around that I was lying at home tired from morning sickness i.e. I was pregnant! I had to kill that rumour.

Then, it started. People kept coming to me and asked:

"Did you fall over? Were you not careful?"
"You must know you had to take extra care during the first trimester, don't you?"
"You did something you were not supposed to? You must lie down, you know?"

I know they meant well. I know, I really do. But I don't understand why, in all those remarks, I was being referred to as an indirect cause of the loss. I fell. I didn't take care. I was careless. As much I make myself think it was not meant to mean badly, I cannot help but feel a slight tinge of hurt.

Retail Therapy

While in Kuching last weekend, hubby and I were doing some window shopping at the new mall Spring. It has quite a number of very good retail outlets there actually, almost like a Midvalley compacted into a third of the original size.
He asked if there was anything I wanted. Well, earlier that day I was scanning around for a clutch bag because I never had a decent purse or bag suitable for formal dinners to put all my junk (wallet, personal handphone, office handphone, lipgloss, compact, tissue etc..) into. So he said, 'alright we will get you a clutch bag'. I said we didn't have to because the only one I saw at Spring which I liked was at Charles and Keith and it was quite pricey. I said we could always look for something nice and better priced in KL later (but I really did like the Charles and Keith one :P).

So hubby asked me to show him and I did, and he asked, 'do you really like it?'. I did. And off he went to ask the salesperson for a new one, paid and handed me the shopping bag. He said something to perhaps cheer me up a little.
Isn't he the nicest hubby ever? :o)

P/S : I specially like this bag because of the contrasted lining inside. I am a sucker for those. Angel would understand.

Which ?

I wonder which is worse : Being able to conceive but not able to keep it or never able to conceive at all ?

D&C : Update

I had intermittent spotting after the D&C, but it was painless. No cramps, no discomfort. The spotting finally stopped after a week and I should be back to normal. A friend of mine was surprised that I wasn't in confinement. Well, at such an early stage probably not. I do watch my food intake a little and refrain from food and drinks that are traditionally known to be 'cooling' for the body. Apart from that, I received a clean medical bill of health from the doc and I'm good to go.

Thank You

I am feeling much much much better today than how I had been a week back and I really would like to thank those (apart from hubby and my parents) who had been there for me throughout that difficult period. Without them, I would probably still be drowning in my depressing mood.

To Petrina who first came to my rescue and made sure I ate well and kept me sane
To Angelica and Szen who supported me no matter what
To Angeline and Wid who kept me company with their encouragement and understanding

THANK YOU ALL

Telling Mom and Dad

I finally told my mom about what happened. She seemed to be okay about it, not too much sympathy, just the way I prefer it to be. At first I had decided not to tell. I didn't know how to, and I didn't know how they might react. But they are my parents and I think they might like to know something as important as this. Besides, keeping the miscarriage from them was so hard to do because I always tell mom and dad everything.

I'm glad I finally did.

Trying to be Normal

Hubby left for offshore again. I am sad, but I suppose I have to be strong and move on. This is just so much harder when I have to deal with it alone. Sigh...

Moving On

Hubby has to go back offshore tomorrow, after which I will be home alone again. Of course I am wishing he doesn't have to but that is his job and I cannot change the fact that he has to go out anyway. If not tomorrow, it will be a week from now or two weeks.
The thought of being alone with my thoughts again doesn't exactly appeal to me, specially when it will be a long weekend this coming Friday. I have three days off work again, at home. Myself. But I'll have to move on with my life somehow. Even though the only thing I would like to do now is nothing. I do not have the drive to do anything at all lately. I do not even bother with the dogs, just the bare minimum of feeding and making sure they're alright. It is THAT bad.

Doc said we can only start trying after 3 months, to let my uterus lining build up again, and give a chance for my menstrual cycle to stabilize itself. That is fine by me. At this moment, trying and sex are the last things on my mind. I am not even sure how I'll get all those old feelings back. I hope this will go away soon. I need to move on. I really do.

After Shocks

It is today exactly a week since the day we lost the baby. There are no obvious physical effects except the slight residual spotting from the after effects of the D&C. Emotionally, I am still quietly grieving. I do try to maintain a cheery outlook among friends. But deep inside I am still feeling the loss, specially when most of my closest friends with me over the weekend had their babies with them.

I am particularly clingy to hubby these days, not so much as demanding attention, but just always wanting to be near him, for comfort. Even if it is just having him by my side or him holding my hand. Maybe it is because he is the only person who truly knows how I am feeling and hurting inside. And I just need to have that understanding now, even when it is just a quiet look in his eyes and a smile of encouragement for me.

D&C

Once hubby was back, we visited Dr Lee again. The ultrasound confirmed it, there was no further growth of the embryo. I should be about 6 weeks long and it should have grown. I seemed to be taking the news rather well. I think somehow I already knew. I already knew baby was gone since Sunday and I had done the bulk of my grieving then. In a way, the doctor's confirmation finally sealed the deal. There will be no more hoping for something, no more wondering....what if? I have to move on.

Since my bleeding did not progressed into a normal period, Dr Lee said I have to go in for a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). He explained that I would be under general anesthesia, fully asleep, so I would not be aware of the whole procedure. That was fine with me. He proposed that I had it done at 4pm that same day, but I probably would need to remain in the hospital overnight. I opted for the procedure early next morning. Staying overnight in a hospital in this condition..? NO.

After a nervous day and night, I was finally on my way to the Operating Theater the next morning. Hubby was there, holding my hand as the nurses wheeled me in. I was nervous as hell!! This was like a scene straight from E.R.! I had never been in a hospital before and now I was in an operating theater! The anesthetist was very kind, so were the nurses. They probably saw the fear in my eyes. I had tubes sticking out from my arms, pulse monitors and whatever. I tried not to look at the stirrups at the foot of my bed. Then, the nurse placed a gas mask thing over my nose and mouth. Seconds ticked by and I was still wide awake. (???). Then the anesthetist asked "Are you sleepy yet?" I said no, I am not. That was the last thing I remembered.

I woke with Dr Lee's voice telling, it is over now. In my semi-awake state, they wheeled me back to my room, with hubby greeting me with a big smile. I didn't feel any pain nor any discomfort. Good. Within minutes I was wide awake again. I was glad it was now all finally over.

Getting home from the hospital was quite a challenge. I suffered severe dizziness and could barely walk. My vision was blurred but I suppose somehow I made it to the car, home and back to the bed at home.

There wasn't much bleeding after that. A slight headache but bearable. I am on antibiotics for about a week and should be back at work late next week. By now, messages of "Get-Well-Soon" are pouring in from my office co-workers, and those sort of are making me feel a little better. But most of all, hubby has been there every step of the way and I am loving him even more now, after the support and love he's given me through this most difficult time of my life.

The Calm After the Storm

Today was relatively quiet. After crying myself to sleep last night, I woke up barely 4 hours later. I still could not sleep well. I hardly dreamed. It was just as restless as the nights before.
I did not feel hungry, tired, or have any desire to do anything. All I wanted was to have hubby back and at least have someone at home to just be with me. Even though the bleeding significantly stopped, I could not deny how it was yesterday. My body couldn't be expelling that much blood and yet keep my baby safe. I do not wish to give myself false hope. I don't even cry anymore today.

The office is calling and looking for me. Taking a week off all of a sudden is probably something they never expected from me. At most, I would be out for a day from a cold or fever. I didn't feel like picking up the phone. Let them ring. Let them wonder. I do not care. For once, this is about me and I don't give a damn what is happening elsewhere.

I wonder how long it will take for me to get over this. Hubby said, we can always try again. We will try again. But all I feel like doing is just to hide and be away from it all. I do not even want to ring my parents. I don't know what to talk about.

I am feeling like I am at the very bottom of it all. And yet I cannot cry or say anything anymore.

Accepting

I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. I cannot bear to visit the doctor on my own again. I need to have hubby with me, just to be there for comfort ... just to be there. I think I know it is over, but I have to be sure.

I amazed myself at how often I could spontaneously burst into tears yesterday. I cannot cry anymore, I think. I am just tired. I am tired of hoping for something that might not be there.

Bye Bye Baby...

This morning, the spotting and intermittent bleeding turned into a full gush of dark red blood. By mid morning, it happened again and I stopped denying myself the truth. I am well on my way to losing this baby. It didn't make me rush to the doctor because inside I knew, there was nothing he could have done anyway. I have been reading up enough to know that if this is happening, it is happening for a good reason. This is not meant to be, and it could be just nature's way to prevent me from having a less-than-perfect baby.

I cried a little on my own, but I didn't tell anyone but my brother what was going on. I knew if I had told my dear friends, they would be on the phone immediately or at my doorstep trying to make me feel better. That would just make me feel worse. My brother, on the other hand, understood me well and just told me to take care and look at the brighter side if things. No calls, no hugs no words of encouragement. That was what I wanted. I only wanted to cry and break down when hubby comes home. Nothing more.

I am going to sit back and let the bleeding subside. I know there is nothing to be done. I am having my period and chances of the embryo surviving are pretty slim. I will continue with the hormone pills just in case if a miracle and I will wait for hubby to get back in two days' time and we'll visit the doctor together. I cannot make that visit by myself anymore.

I guess this is just not meant to be.

Still Spotting

Despite my best efforts to remain as rested as possible at home, I am still spotting on and off. I know staying still will not help this...

I am scared. I am really really really scared.

Spotting

I noticed a slight pinkish stain yesterday morning and that ruined the whole of my morning at work. I probably went to the loo 20 times just to check and check and check again. The spotting stopped and the rest of the day was fine. Then later in the evening at home, I felt a small gush of warm fluid and rushed to check, and there it was, a brown spot and I could feel my heart skip a beat. I kept flipping the baby books and all it said was occasionally spotting due to implantation bleeding is normal. But I do not think I still have implantation bleeding.... it's been 5 weeks ! And all the books talked about light pink to brown spotting. What about brown with pink/light red streaks? Is that the same? Oh my goodness....it is screwing so much with my head I am going insane with worry.

As usual I spent the rest of the evening checking my undies with a feeling of dread. I know I should remain calm and collected and not freak out as it is not good to have negative thoughts churning through my body. But how could I not worry???! Please give me a pill for that!

For the rest of the evening, the spotting stopped and I went to bed feeling a teeny bit better. But not after an emotionally call to Hubby with tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't help it, as much as I know I should not worry, I was home alone and there's nothing to distract me from thinking and analyzing the whole situation to bits. I decided to pay a visit to Dr Lee.

Early this morning, I woke up, satisfied that the spotting has not continued that night. But right after breakfast I saw it again. This time it was a diluted red. I was trying to be optimistic that it wasn't blood red but the sight got me dumping the dishes into the sink, put on some decent clothes and rushed to Dr Lee's clinic.

As expected, all Dr Lee could advice me was to stay calm and have the rest of the week off from work to rest at home. No heavy lifting, no sex (yea with who?) and no running around. He jabbed my butt with a hormone injection and prescribed me some progesterone pills for about 2 weeks. I was to go home and monitor the situation and return if there was any pain and heavy bleeding.

So here I am, home alone to ponder over the situation. And just my luck the dog got himself into trouble and now suffering from a huge swollen right eye. Another baby to look after...

Coming up - Pregnancy and the Expectant Father !

While everyone else fusses over the mommy-to-be, daddy sometimes feels left behind. But the expectant father has a major role to play to, and is often the hero behind the scenes....stay tuned for more!

The World Wide Web on Parenting

These days, everything is available on the web - including pregnancy, birth and parenting. A mom-to-be with the most basic internet connection and 30-minutes a day has no excuse what-so-ever not being able to find information to anything she needs to know. Here are some websites that I have found most useful and contain a lot of answers to the most common pregnancy questions to things you might not even have thought of!

http://www.mumcentre.com.my/

http://www.malaysianmotherhood.com/forum/

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/

http://www.whattoexpect.com

*****

I will add to the list when I find more....

Heart Murmur

My first check-up with Dr Lee the obgyn today was both pleasant and not so pleasant. To start with the good news, the shape of the womb looks fine which means the embryo is at the right place. The not-so-good news is, my congenital heart disorder needs further assessment. As the pregnancy progresses, my heart will have to work harder to pump more blood. And of course, work the hardest during labour. Dr Lee needs to be sure the condition of my heart will be able to take all that.

I am trying to be optimistic here.

Ductus Arteriosus

Because of a minor freak of nature accident, I have a congenital heart condition called Patent Ductus Arteriosus. This is a condition when the patent arteriosus fails to close after birth.

From Wikipedia:

In the developing fetus, the ductus arteriosus (DA) is a shunt connecting the pulmonary artery to the aortic arch that allows most of the blood from the right ventricle to bypass the fetus' fluid-filled lungs. During fetal development, this shunt protects the lungs from being overworked and allows the right ventricle to strengthen.

When the newborn takes its very first breath, pulmonary vascular resistance falls due to physical opening of the pulmonary capillaries and attenuation of intrauterine hypoxicvasoconstriction. Decreased pulmonary vascular resistance increases pulmonary blood flow while pulmonary vascular pressure falls below aortic pressure. At the same time, the lungs release bradykinin (vasodilator) and falling prostaglandin levels cause constriction of the smooth muscle in wall of the DA, reducing flow. Bradykinin works by acting on eNOS to increase NO produced, thus inducing vasodilatation. ACE breaks down bradykinin and therefore, ACE inhibitors aid in prolonging the action of vasodilatation by bradykinin. Additionally, because of reduced pulmonary resistance, more blood flows from the pulmonary arteries to the lungs and thus the lungs deliver more oxygenated blood to the left heart. This further increases aortic pressure so that flow in DA may transiently reverse.

Usually, the DA begins to close when breathing is established, and is completely sealed after four to ten days. A cord-like vestige of the DA, called the ligamentum arteriosum, remains to connect the exterior of the left pulmonary artery to the exterior of the aortic arch.

Certain medications given to the mother during the pregnancy may decrease the size or completely close the DA prior to birth.^{[citation needed]}

When the ligamentum arteriosum forms it traps the left branch of the recurrent left vagus nerve in the thorax.

Patent ductus arteriosus, or PDA, is a heart condition that is normal but reverses soon after birth. In a persistent PDA, there is an irregular transmission of blood between two of the most important arteries in close proximity to the heart. Although the ductus arteriosus normally seals off within a few days, in PDA, the newborn's ductus arteriosus does not close, but remains patent. PDA is common in infants with persistent respiratory problems such as hypoxia, and has a high occurrence in premature children. In hypoxic newborns, too little oxygen reaches the lungs to produce sufficient levels of bradykinin and subsequent closing of the DA. Premature children are more likely to be hypoxic and thus have PDA because of their underdeveloped heart and lungs.

A patent ductus arteriosus allows that portion of the oxygenated blood from the left heart to flow back to the lungs (following the pressure gradient from the higher pressure aorta to the pulmonary arteries). If this shunt amount is substantial, the infant becomes short of breath because there is not only the normal amount of unoxygenated blood that has returned from the body to go to the lungs but in addition there is the amount shunted through the PDA. The infant's work of breathing is increased, using up more calories and often interfering with feeding in infancy. This condition as a constellation of findings is called congestive heart failure.

In my case, the opening is small, and after various consultations and tests at the cardiologist, it was decided that it was best to leave it as it is. I do not suffer from the usual symptoms of shortness of breath or difficulty of breathing, which means the condition is very mild. A correction surgery would involve entry into the heart, which in my case, not advisable due to the mildness of the condition.

But I think this is something I would need to present to the obgyn tomorrow. Just to be sure it doesn't affect me in any way now that I'm pregnant.

The Signs

Some women claim they just knew that they are pregnant. Even when the pregnancy tests show otherwise, they just knew. Well, not for my case. I knew zilch! I didn't feel any different. Except....

1.) I didn't experience any pre-menstrual spotting that I usually do....
2.) I didn't get the usual migraine that I get before my period that will have me head-butting the wall (that was nice)
3.) I had a freak pimple breakout that I could do nothing about about 2 weeks earlier (thank goodness they're healing)
4.) I was breaking into sweat at odd times in office....where I usually freeze
5.) I have not been sleeping very well lately...

And of course, my period was late.

Of Being a Parent....

It is finally dawning on me that 9 months from now, I am going to be a parent. A MOTHER. Everywhere I go from now on, I am carrying a living person inside me. That person will grow up, go to school, meet people, do things that he/she might think right but it actually wrong, get in trouble, get physically/emotionally hurt...so on and so forth. How do I make sure our child grows up to be a good person? How do I know he/she will not grow up and secretly become leader of a 'kongsi gelap*' ?

I have always been, and still am, a mommy's and daddy's girl. Can I be responsible enough to bring up my own child the way that my parents did with myself and my brother? I will always think that my parents did such a great job. I can safely say, my brother and I are good children. But how do I ensure that for my own child? It is such a daunting thought.

A close of friend of mine always tells me, do not worry too much over this. In time, I will learn to be a good mother and things will turn out fine. I hope so.

*kongsi gelap : underground gang

You're Pregnant. Now Go Home Eat Your Vitamins

Right. The first thing to do when one's home pregnancy test showed a positive (maybe) would be to go see the doctor. Go get a confirmed test done, stock up on supplements, get a referral letter to see a specialist to get a start on all those checkups.....yada yada yada...

The only problem was, my usual GP does not work weekends and the other back-up nice doctor whom I see occasionally is still celebrating her Raya Raya. So I decided to just pop by the clinic for a consultation with the only other GP working this morning. I mean, how difficult can this be? Women do this all the time, right? No rocket science here.

When it was my turn, the nurse yelled my name (not very nicely I must say...) and I entered the doctor's room. Let's call him Dr A. Now Dr A did not look very welcoming.... he almost looked ... bored.

Dr A. : Ok.....(mumble mumble mumble)
Me : Hello..... (blink blink)
Dr A. : So why?
Me : Umm... I tested positive at a home pregnancy test last night so I thought I'd come in to get it confirmed.
Dr A : When was your last period?
Me : September 2nd
Dr A. : Huh? September 2nd? (look of disbelief)
Me : (wondering why that look of disbelief) Yes?
Dr A. : It's just one month.
Me : Yes I know. But it was positive so I am here to check it out. (<--at this point I was kind of surprised at his lack of support)
Dr A. : Normally we have to take it in the morning so it's accurate
Me : Yes ... ok (But it is 9am in the morning !%!$#!#. If it showed positive LAST NIGHT, shouldn't it be better at 9am today??!!!)
Dr A. : Ok we can do a urine test.
Me : Ok (YES I TOLD YOU THAT IS WHY I AM HERE)

So he shoved me into the next room (yes I felt him push me with his finger on my back like I was some delinquent schoolgirl who had gotten myself pregnant at the back of a car!!) and his nurse gave me a cup to pee in. Which I did, and then waited outside.

After a few minutes I was back in Dr A's office and the nurse came by and said dismissively "Aiya....don't have la. Where got....nah you see.....no line. Not positive la!" and walked off.

I felt my heart pounding in my ears and thinking....how can two different brands be wrong? Must something I ate? How do I tell hubby who's so eagerly waiting for the good news? And then..

Dr A. : Ok yes. Positive. Faint line....early still.
Me : (Blink blink....thinking WHERE IS THAT NURSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???!!!)

I left the clinic with 2 months' supply of folic acid and vitamin B6, and vowed never to return.

Relax!!

Of course it is easier said than done. I peed on a stick (RM9.90 drugstore brand) on a hunch yesterday evening and thought nothing was there and then THERE IT WAS!! This very very faint line!! Ok...I thought.... maybe it's some defect.... it can't be this faint right??
Ok so after dropping hubby off at the airport, I went to get a more 'internationally known brand (RM38 for two!) and didn't pee for 4 hours (I was drinking bottles of water the whole day and going to the toilet because I felt dehydrated). I thought maybe my excessive peeing the whole day might give me a wrong reading.

Anyway the picture in the last post was what this RM38-for-2 stick showed. And it's pretty difficult to get a defect reading with a cross...right?

...

Are you sure that is a positive line? I mean... maybe it is an optical illusion???

What Do We Do Now.....?

Yes, that's right. A plus means PREGNANT. Is that a plus? The other brand I peed on was a line ... a very very faint double line.....which I thought could be a defect of some sort. But a cross.... can't be a defect right?

Okay... I have to remain calm and collected. IF this is what it is, the last thing I should be doing is run around going berserk. And the good husband is offshore finding oil so that extra allowance can buy us that long awaited new couch (which I think IF this is REALLY positive, I need :P).

So what do I do??????????????